Archive for the ‘Fun’ Category

Email 10 Retarded Money Saving Tips (People Are Actually Trying)

April 29, 2009

#10.

Sleep in the Airport

Here’s a sticky situation. You want to take a dream vacation but you’re the cheapest son of a bitch you know. How can you enjoy an exotic getaway while at the same time living like the Hobo King you’ve long aspired to be?

The answer is to do away with all the frills normal people take on vacations; things like solid gold hookers, lobster stuffed lobsters and those snooty “accommodations” the kids are always raving about. Who needs a hotel when the airport you land in has its own roof?


Hooker with an entire body of gold.

There’s an entire website out there dedicated to letting your “cheap enough to pick food out of the garbage” ass find the comfiest airports to snuggle up in for a night. That way you can be rested for your vacation, which will no doubt consist of walking tours of factories, free samples at local supermarkets and visiting libraries, parks and communal outhouses around the globe.

Really, if you can put up with not having a bed, a shower, a kitchen, privacy or thousands of people not looking at you all night, then this is the money saving tip for you. Oh, and in an ironic twist, Sleepinginairports.net offers up a list of the worst airports with Charles de Galle in Paris coming in at number one.

Why? Because of the number of bums who sleep there.

#9.
Separate the Two Ply

Inexplicably, there are sites out there that offer up this tip to save a buck at the cost of dignity, pride and hundreds of hours of your time. And that’s with us carefully avoiding the too-gross-to-mention consequences of having your fingers tear through the whisper-thin shit ticket you’re working the crevasse with. Wait, we guess we did mention it after all.

One site even does the calculations for you, based on a 100 sheet per day scenario–which we can only assume is accurate as who the fuck counts sheets of toilet paper–and comes up with a whopping savings of nearly $10 a year. Ten whole dollars!


When they repossess your house, you’ll still be swimming in toilet paper.

With that extra cash in your pocket, you can afford to go out to a movie or something, though you won’t have time for that sort of thing because you’ll be too busy devoting about eight hours a day to unspooling toilet paper, separating the layers, then re-spooling each onto separate rolls, and presumably taping the squares back together after they separate from all this handling.

So really it’s a worthwhile exercise as long as your time is worth absolutely nothing.

#8.
Make Your Own Cat Food

Undoubtedly, you’ve noticed how close having a cat takes you to the poverty line. Before you brought Fluffer into your life, you were living large in a sweet penthouse apartment and drinking Cristal from the shoes of high class escorts. Now you live in a one bedroom shithole and drink Lysol from your own boot, all because of that cat and its high-priced food. Where do supermarkets get off charging upwards of 70 cents a can?


Cats are assholes.

Well now you can stick it to big cat food by making your own repulsive, meaty sludge at home. Numerous sites offer up recipes and tips for making what amounts to bile-flavored liver and chicken for your special kitty. Imagine the thrill of finely slicing spinach and carrot, parboiling some ground turkey (for a “gravy-like appeal”), vegetable baby food and assorted other fillers, mixing the sludge together with dietary supplements and then serving your cat.

Though we have to admit this works out well for the cat, as you’re skipping the factory ingredients that likely include powderized roadkill, fur and the occasional missing homeless dude.

#7.
Don’t Eat on Monday

We’re about to blow your fucking mind with the simplicity of this idea. Are you ready?

So a big chunk of your budget goes to food, right? Well did you know that if you simply stop eating for one day a week, you’ll save one-seventh of your food budget? It’s in a book and everything!

The plan is pretty simple: Just look over your schedule for the week and find that one 24 hour period of time you’re pretty sure you don’t actually need to have any nutrients and are willing to let your body feed off of your liver and some muscle tissue for fuel.

During which time you’ll doubtlessly be irritable and feel slightly loopy, so we’re suggesting Monday. You’ll have just one more reason to give human resources when they ask why you bludgeoned a coworker that day, and you’ll be secure in the knowledge that you were too weak to cause serious injury when you did it.

#6.
Wallow in Your Filth

One of the greatest scams ever perpetrated on mankind has clearly been the scam of cleanliness. Honestly, if living in shit was good enough for our cavemen-ancestors what makes us so high and mighty? Just because you wore those clothes outside, got them covered in crotch sweat, farts, burrito juice and angry hobo spittle, doesn’t mean they can’t hold out for a couple more wearings before firing up the washer.

That’s the advice being handed out by visionaries who want to leapfrog steps like washing in cold and using energy efficient appliances, or even hanging your clothes to dry. All of those are going to cost you more than simply not washing them. It’s time to push the envelope, people!

The assumption seems to be that your own natural musk and the various filthy substances you come across from day to day aren’t so intolerable as to ruin an outfit after a single day’s use. And this may very well be the case if you’re an exceptionally clean person or, at the other end of the scale, spend a lot of time around hippies.

#5.
Use Your Lint

You may have noticed after a particularly robust load of pajamas, boxer shorts and bath robes that your dryer’s lint trap is full to bursting with off color fuzz and a veritable forest of errant pubes. How many times have you peeled off that layer of fluffy nastiness and simply hucked it away without ever stopping to ponder just how many thousands of dollars you just tossed into the trash?

After all, why pay for things like expensive stuffed animal stuffing when you can stuff your own with lint and present little Johnny with his very own 45 percent pubic hair by volume Teddy Bear?

But wait, we’re not just talking about slashing the 25 percent or more of the household income most families blow on bear stuffing. Maybe you live in an old, drafty house that has been improperly sealed against the elements, causing your heating and cooling bills to skyrocket.

A little dryer lint in the cracks and suddenly your wayward pubes and the stray pet hairs that had been clinging to your sweater are keeping you toasty all winter long!

Mattress sagging in the middle? Cram some lint in there! Need to stuff your crotch to impress the neighbors? Lint! Need fuel for your lint-powered time machine? Lint, motherfucker!

#4.
Make Dog Hair Sweaters

Just look at Old Navy, getting rich while you’re headed to the poorhouse, laughing all the way at you and your cotton briefs. Do you know where cotton comes from? Of course not, no one does, and that’s how they trick you.

But now you can fight back against those imperialist bastards and their precious textiles by simply making your own clothing out of the hair you brush out of your mangy pets each and every day.

With only minimal shame and an excessive amount of effort, you can buy a book that will show you how to spin your dog or cat’s fur into yarn which you can then knit into sweaters, purses, thongs or whatever hideous thing you choose.

No longer will you be a slave to seasonal fashion trends. Instead you’ll just be a slave to how long it takes your Shih Tzu to grow in a full coat so you can finish off those pants you’ve been working on. And the best of all, the finished product, well, totally looks like clothing made of dog hair.

#3.
Visit Mexican Dentists

Say, is that impacted wisdom tooth still bugging you? Don’t fall victim to the dental industry’s shenanigans with their crazy “you should see a dentist” bullshit. At least not in America. While dentists are happy to quickly and efficiently alleviate your pain, they like to tack on a hefty fee and really, what do you get for your money? The ability to eat and sleep and not be in excruciating agony? Pfft, that’s clown shoes.

Why not take a road trip to Tijuana instead, if the pain doesn’t make you veer off the highway, and visit a dentist who will work for about a quarter of the price? As an added bonus, you can take in a donkey show or get completely blitzed on low grade mescal and forget why you went to Mexico in the first place. How can you afford not to?

Now before we catch hell in the comments for painting Mexico as some kind of drug and taco-filled wasteland, we have nothing against the country and we’re not actually questioning the credentials of Mexican dentists. But we will link to The Washington Post, who took it upon themselves to point out the occasional missed oral cancer diagnoses and rampant infections after Mexican dental work.

But hey, there were also free tacos.

#2.
DIY Feminine Hygiene

Now, we’re all grown-ups here. Menstruation is an actual non-comedy function of the female body and we’re only grossed out in the same way we’re grossed out by any of the things that come oozing out of the male body.

So when, in the interest of saving Mother Earth and your bank account, some sites start showing us how to make reusable panty liners at home, we’re hoping male and female readers alike will consider this a pretty disgusting step backward for humanity. Even if we evolve to a completely sustainable future where even our very farts are harnessed to power our laptops, we’ll hopefully still be throwing away the damned Maxi Pads.

But, no, these sites boast that their pads last up to eight years, and they go out of their way to give their reusable pads festive designs, so you can slough your uterine lining all over SpongeBob or the cast of High School Musical. They also note that they make nice gifts…

OK, now they’re fucking with us, right?

#1.
Rot

Open casket funerals are the Ponzi scheme of the death industry, without a doubt. All those morticians and funeral directors are probably taking lavish vacations to exotic places like Detroit at your expense, and all because we continue to want to have funerals in which the bereaved can view their dead loved one resting peacefully.

Embalming is the process we foolishly pay for to preserve the body after death and make open casket funerals both possible and not nightmare-inducing. But it can cost a few grand and, in many states, isn’t even required!

So why not save a few bucks and let grandpa compost naturally in his casket? Just keep the lid firmly closed during the funeral and get a few Glade Plug-Ins going, and nobody’ll notice the difference.

Make this a requirement in your Will and you can enter the afterlife secure in the knowledge that you’ve saved enough money for your kids to buy a nice television.

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15 Failed Predictions about the Future

April 22, 2009

“It will be years –not in my time– before a woman will become Prime Minister.”
–Margaret Thatcher, October 26th, 1969.

She became Prime Minister of the United Kingdom only 10 years after saying that, holding her chair from 1979 to 1990. But she wasn’t all that wrong since she is the only woman to have held this post. Maybe she should have added the word “again.”

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
–Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

It may sound ridiculous now, but the prediction was actually true for about ten years after it was made. Almost every forecaster would settle for a ten year limit on the testing of their forecasts. Of course, by the 1980s and the advent of the PC, such a statement looked plain daft.

“That virus [HIV] is a pussycat.”
–Dr. Peter Duesberg, molecular-biology professor at U.C. Berkeley, 1988,

By 2006, the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS and the World Health Organization estimated that AIDS has killed more than 25 million people since it was first recognized on December 1, 1981.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.”
–Associates of Edwin L. Drake refusing his suggestion to drill for oil in 1859.

Only one hundred fifty years passed by since the first attempt to dig out oil from the ground met such contempt, and now the whole world is trying to look for unimaginable places to satiate the thirst for money that is propelled and sustained on this black gold.

“A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth’s atmosphere.”
–New York Times, 1936.

10 years later, in 1946, the first American-built rocket to leave the earth’s atmosphere was launched from White Sands, attaining 50 miles of altitude.

“Reagan doesn’t have that presidential look.”
–United Artists Executive, rejecting Reagan as lead in 1964 film The Best Man

Before becoming the 40th President of the United States in 1981, Ronald Reagan pursued an acting career, but spent the majority of his Hollywood career in the “B film” division. In 1964 he was rejected for a part in a movie with presidential candidate theme due to “not having the presidential look”.

“The singer [Mick Jagger] will have to go; the BBC won’t like him.”
— First Rolling Stones manager Eric Easton to his partner after watching them perform.

We can only wonder what Sir Michael Philip “Mick” Jagger, Golden Globe, Grammy Award-winning English singer-songwriter, rock musician and occasional actor, has to say about it now.

“Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.”
–Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859)

It may sound impossible to Dr Larder, professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy at the University College London back in the 1800, but in 1939 the first high speed train went from Milan to Florence at 165 km/h (102.5 mph). Thankfully no one died. Nowadays these trains go at 200 km/h (125 mph) and faster.

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“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
–Lord Kelvin, 1895.

This was said by Lord Kelvin (British mathematician and physicist, president of the British Royal Society) only eight years before brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright took their home-built flyer to the sandy dunes of Kitty Hawk, cranked up the engine, and took off into the history books.

“There will never be a bigger plane built.”
–A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.

What would this engineer say if he saw the current largest passenger plane on earth, the Airbus A380? The Airbus A380 has 50% more floor space than arch rival Boeing’s 747 Jumbo, with room for duty-free shops, restaurants and even a sauna, and can provide site for up to 853 people.

“Taking the best left-handed pitcher in baseball and converting him into a right fielder is one of the dumbest things I ever heard.”
— Tris Speaker, baseball hall of famer, talking about Babe Ruth, 1919.

Ruth has been named the greatest baseball player in history in various surveys and rankings, and his home run hitting prowess made him a larger than life figure in the “Roaring Twenties”. He became the first player to hit 60 home runs in one season (1927), a record which stood for 34 years until broken by Roger Maris in 1961. Ruth’s lifetime total of 714 home runs at his retirement in 1935 was a record for 39 years, until broken by Hank Aaron in 1974.

“Ours has been the first [expedition], and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality.”
—- Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

More than a century later, five million people annually visit this “profitless locality,” by car, foot, air, and on the Colorado River itself.

“If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.”
–W.C. Heuper, National Cancer Institute, 1954.

In 1964 the United States Surgeon General’s Report on Smoking and Health began suggesting the relationship between smoking and cancer, which confirmed its suggestions 20 years later in the 1980s. Nowadays, it’s well known that long-term exposure to tobacco smoke is the most common causes of lung cancer.

“You better get secretarial work or get married.”
–Emmeline Snively, advising would-be model Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

In 1944, Marilyn Monroe was discovered by a photographer who encouraged her to apply to The Blue Book modeling agency. She was told by Snively, director of the Modelling Agency that she should became a secretary, besides they were looking for models with lighter hair. So Marilyn dyed her brunette hair to a golden blonde. She finally signed a contract with the agency. And of course, became Blue Book’s most successful model.

“Read my lips: No new taxes.”
–George Bush, 1988.

That pledge was the centerpiece of Bush’s acceptance address, written by speechwriter Peggy Noonan, for his party’s nomination at the 1988 Republican National Convention. It was a strong, decisive, bold statement, and you don’t need a history degree to see where this is going. As presidents sometimes must, Bush raised taxes. His words were used against him by then-Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton in a devastating attack ad during the 1992 presidential campaign.

10 Most Funny Hotels

April 8, 2009

1. The Giraffe Manor is a luxurious and exclusive hotel located just outside Kenya’s capital, Nairobi, famous for its resident herd of giraffe. Apart from the top accommodation, you can enjoy Nairobi’s finest kitchens and bump heads with a giraffe or two. According to their website, the Giraffe Manor is the only place in the world where you can enjoy the breathtaking experience of feeding and photographing the giraffe over the breakfast table and at the front door.

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2. It’s not the comfort you’re usually accustomed with, but the dasparkhotel is an innovative hospitality tool many people are starting to enjoy. Located in Ottensheim, Austria, the offbeat hotel offers three 10-ton segments of drainage pipe, each 6.5 feet in diameter for you to stay in.

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3. Located in Harlingen, one hour drive from Amsterdam, Netherlands, the Harbour Crane offers you total control over your accomodation. Used until 1996 to unload timber, the crane is now offered for day-time and night-time occupation by two people.

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4. A hotel dog lovers will particularly enjoy, the Dog Bark Park Inn is a hotel located in Cottonwood, Idaho, in the shape of a beagle. Guests enter the body of the beagle from a private 2nd story deck. Some of the decorations and furniture inside the hotel are made by an artist to fit in with the hotel’s theme.

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5. Perhaps one of the most luxurious places you can stay in is the Hotel Everland in Paris, a one-room inn on the roof of the Palais de Tokyo museum. The hotel includes bathroom, a king-size bed and a lounge, being only available one night. The view is one of the most magnificent – Seine and the Eiffel Tower shining bright at night. You can only make reservations online, just one random hour a day.

www.forwards4all.com

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6. Mixing Turkish and European influence, the Marmara Antalya, in Antalya, Turkey, is Turkey’s most prestigious chain, taking pride in stunning views, great architecture and warm service. The exciting detail is that each of the two dozens room spins slowly so that guest take in the entire view.

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7. Also located in Turkey is the Cappadocia Hotel, a building literally carved into the Yunak Evleri mountain cliff. It offers cave houses, just like the Flintones had, and a 19th century Greek mansion – complete with 30 rooms dating back to the 5th and 6th century.

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8. Part of the Woodlyn Park in New Zealand (the Hobbit Motel) is likely the place where hobbits stayed while shooting Lord of The Rings. You can stay in one of the two hill-side burrows that are almost identical to the ones J.R.R. Tolkien talks about in his books.

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9. Just outside of Cave Junction, Oregon, this About Tree sort & Tree house Institute offers 18 tree houses you probably couldn’t have dreamt up as a child. Many rooms have bathrooms and refrigerators. Some are located at an amazing height of 300 feet. Nothing better for a serene vacation than living it up in the woods.

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10. Another interesting destination for New zealand, Christchurch more precisely, is the Wagon Stays. The name says it all: you get to stay in wagons equipped with bathrooms, kitchens, and satellite TV. Wagon Stays offers the atmosphere of an early settlers wagon combined with modern facilities to maximize your comfort.

www.forwards4all.com

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The Top 500 Worst Passwords of All Time

March 29, 2009

From the moment people started using passwords, it didn’t take long to realize how many people picked the very same passwords over and over. Even the way people misspell words is consistent. In fact, people are so predictable that most hackers make use of lists of common passwords just like these. To give you some insight into how predictable humans are, the following is a list of the 500 most common passwords. If you see your password on this list, please change it immediately. Keep in mind that every password listed here has been used by at least hundreds if not thousands of other people.

There are some interesting passwords on this list that show how people try to be clever, but even human cleverness is predictable. For example, look at these passwords which are a little interesting:
  • ncc1701: The ship number for the Starship Enterprise
  • thx1138: The name of George Lucas’s first movie, a 1971 remake of an earlier student project
  • qazwsx: Follows a simple pattern when typed on a typical keyboard
  • 666666: Six sixes
  • 7777777: Seven sevens
  • ou812: The title of a 1988 Van Halen album
  • 8675309: The number mentioned in the 1982 Tommy Tutone song. The song supposedly caused an epidemic of people dialing 867- 5309 and asking for “Jenny”
Approximately one out of every nine people uses at least one password on the list shown in the table below!! And one out of every 50 people uses one of the top 20 worst passwords.
Here’s the list of top 500 worst passwords of all time, not considering character case:
No.
Top 1-100 passwords
Top 101–200 passwords
Top 201–300 passwords
Top 301–400 passwords
Top 401–500 passwords
1
123456
porsche
firebird
prince
rosebud
2
password
guitar
butter
beach
jaguar
3
12345678
chelsea
united
amateur
great
4
1234
black
turtle
7777777
cool
5
pussy
diamond
steelers
muffin
cooper
6
12345
nascar
tiffany
redsox
1313
7
dragon
jackson
zxcvbn
star
scorpio
8
qwerty
cameron
tomcat
testing
mountain
9
696969
654321
golf
shannon
madison
10
mustang
computer
bond007
murphy
987654
11
letmein
amanda
bear
frank
brazil
12
baseball
wizard
tiger
hannah
lauren
13
master
xxxxxxxx
doctor
dave
japan
14
michael
money
gateway
eagle1
naked
15
football
phoenix
gators
11111
squirt
16
shadow
mickey
angel
mother
stars
17
monkey
bailey
junior
nathan
apple
18
abc123
knight
thx1138
raiders
alexis
19
pass
iceman
porno
steve
aaaa
20
fuckme
tigers
badboy
forever
bonnie
21
6969
purple
debbie
angela
peaches
22
jordan
andrea
spider
viper
jasmine
23
harley
horny
melissa
ou812
kevin
24
ranger
dakota
booger
jake
matt
25
iwantu
aaaaaa
1212
lovers
qwertyui
26
jennifer
player
flyers
suckit
danielle
27
hunter
sunshine
fish
gregory
beaver
28
fuck
morgan
porn
buddy
4321
29
2000
starwars
matrix
whatever
4128
30
test
boomer
teens
young
runner
31
batman
cowboys
scooby
nicholas
swimming
32
trustno1
edward
jason
lucky
dolphin
33
thomas
charles
walter
helpme
gordon
34
tigger
girls
cumshot
jackie
casper
35
robert
booboo
boston
monica
stupid
36
access
coffee
braves
midnight
shit
37
love
xxxxxx
yankee
college
saturn
38
buster
bulldog
lover
baby
gemini
39
1234567
ncc1701
barney
cunt
apples
40
soccer
rabbit
victor
brian
august
41
hockey
peanut
tucker
mark
3333
42
killer
john
princess
startrek
canada
43
george
johnny
mercedes
sierra
blazer
44
sexy
gandalf
5150
leather
cumming
45
andrew
spanky
doggie
232323
hunting
46
charlie
winter
zzzzzz
4444
kitty
47
superman
brandy
gunner
beavis
rainbow
48
asshole
compaq
horney
bigcock
112233
49
fuckyou
carlos
bubba
happy
arthur
50
dallas
tennis
2112
sophie
cream
51
jessica
james
fred
ladies
calvin
52
panties
mike
johnson
naughty
shaved
53
pepper
brandon
xxxxx
giants
surfer
54
1111
fender
tits
booty
samson
55
austin
anthony
member
blonde
kelly
56
william
blowme
boobs
fucked
paul
57
daniel
ferrari
donald
golden
mine
58
golfer
cookie
bigdaddy
0
king
59
summer
chicken
bronco
fire
racing
60
heather
maverick
penis
sandra
5555
61
hammer
chicago
voyager
pookie
eagle
62
yankees
joseph
rangers
packers
hentai
63
joshua
diablo
birdie
einstein
newyork
64
maggie
sexsex
trouble
dolphins
little
65
biteme
hardcore
white
0
redwings
66
enter
666666
topgun
chevy
smith
67
ashley
willie
bigtits
winston
sticky
68
thunder
welcome
bitches
warrior
cocacola
69
cowboy
chris
green
sammy
animal
70
silver
panther
super
slut
broncos
71
richard
yamaha
qazwsx
8675309
private
72
fucker
justin
magic
zxcvbnm
skippy
73
orange
banana
lakers
nipples
marvin
74
merlin
driver
rachel
power
blondes
75
michelle
marine
slayer
victoria
enjoy
76
corvette
angels
scott
asdfgh
girl
77
bigdog
fishing
2222
vagina
apollo
78
cheese
david
asdf
toyota
parker
79
matthew
maddog
video
travis
qwert
80
121212
hooters
london
hotdog
time
81
patrick
wilson
7777
paris
sydney
82
martin
butthead
marlboro
rock
women
83
freedom
dennis
srinivas
xxxx
voodoo
84
ginger
fucking
internet
extreme
magnum
85
blowjob
captain
action
redskins
juice
86
nicole
bigdick
carter
erotic
abgrtyu
87
sparky
chester
jasper
dirty
777777
88
yellow
smokey
monster
ford
dreams
89
camaro
xavier
teresa
freddy
maxwell
90
secret
steven
jeremy
arsenal
music
91
dick
viking
11111111
access14
rush2112
92
falcon
snoopy
bill
wolf
russia
93
taylor
blue
crystal
nipple
scorpion
94
111111
eagles
peter
iloveyou
rebecca
95
131313
winner
pussies
alex
tester
96
123123
samantha
cock
florida
mistress
97
bitch
house
beer
eric
phantom
98
hello
miller
rocket
legend
billy
99
scooter
flower
theman
movie
6666
100
please
jack
oliver
success
albert

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

February 26, 2009

Some people believe that children should be allowed to use their minds as freely and imaginatively as possible, without attention to the tedious laws of rationality. Others think that a child is never too young to get his or her first dose of logical and scientific reasoning. But in any case, a child with the intellectual maturity to ask a question like “which came first, the chicken or the egg?” is probably ready for a valuable lesson in logic and biology…more of a lesson, perhaps, than many of us are ready to give. This little essay aims to change all that, and thereby protect you and your pint-size inquisitors from the perils of ignorance (and specifically, being recognized as an incurable case thereof!).

The question “which came first, the chicken or the egg?” looks at first glance like a matter of straightforward reproductive biology. But before we can even begin to answer this question, we must define our terms. So actually, it is a classic case of semantic ambiguity…a problem of meaning and interpretation. Specifically, while the term “chicken” is biologically unambiguous – we all know what a chicken looks, sounds and tastes like – the term “egg” is somewhat more general and is therefore a possible source of ambiguity. Do we mean (1) just any egg, or (2) a chicken egg? And if we’re talking about a chicken egg, then is a “chicken egg” (2a) an egg laid by a chicken, (2b) an egg containing a chicken, or (2c) both? Reformulating the question to reflect each possible meaning of “egg” leads to four distinct versions of the chicken-or-egg question.

1. Which came first, the chicken or (just any old) egg?

2a. Which came first, the chicken or an egg laid by a chicken?

2b. Which came first, the chicken or an egg containing a chicken?

2c. Which came first: the chicken, or an egg laid by and containing a chicken?

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed a definite answer to each of these questions. Specifically, the answers are: (1) The egg. (2a) The chicken. (2b) The egg. (2c) The chicken. Given some knowledge of logic and biology, these answers are not hard to verify. To get this show on – or should that be across? – the road, let’s go through them in order.

First, consider question 1: which came first, the chicken or (just any old) egg? This question is answered “the egg” because species that lay eggs have been around a lot longer than modern chickens. For example, we have plenty of fossil evidence that dinosaurs laid eggs from which baby dinosaurs hatched, and dinosaurs predate chickens by millions of years. Indeed, a growing body of research indicates that dinosaurs were among the biological ancestors of chickens!

Now let’s look at question 2a: which came first, the chicken or an egg laid by a chicken? The answer to this question is “the chicken” on semantic grounds alone. That is, if a chicken egg must be laid by a chicken, then before a chicken egg can exist, there must by definition be a chicken around to lay it. And question 2c – which came first, the chicken or an egg laid by and containing a chicken? – is answered the same way on the same grounds; logically, the fact that a chicken egg must be laid by a chicken precedes and therefore “dominates” the (biologically subsequent) requirement that it contain a chicken. So whereas we needed paleozoological evidence to answer question 1, questions 2a and 2c require practically no biological knowledge at all!

Having saved the best for last, let us finally consider the most interesting version, 2b: which came first, the chicken or an egg containing a chicken? This version is interesting because an egg containing a chicken might have been laid by a chicken or a non-chicken, which of course affects the answer. Thanks to modern genetic science, we can now be sure that the egg came first. This is because reproductive mutations separating a new species from its progenitor generally occur in reproductive rather than somatic DNA and are thus expressed in differences between successive generations, but not in the parent organisms themselves. While the somatic (body) cells of the parents – e.g. wing cells, drumstick cells and wishbone cells – usually contain only the DNA with which they were conceived, germ (reproductive) cells like ova and spermatozoa contain non-somatic DNA that may have been changed before or during mating by accidental deletion, insertion, substitution, duplication or translocation of nucleotide sequences. This is what causes the mutation that results in the new species.

Where an animal qualifies as a member of a given species only if its somatic DNA (as opposed to its reproductive DNA) conforms to the genotype of the species, the parents of the first member of a new species are not members of that new species. At the same time, all the biological evidence says that the ancestors of modern chickens were already oviparous or egg-laying…that a male and a female member of the ancestral species of the modern chicken, call this species “protochicken”, mated with each other and created an egg. (Could the first chicken have evolved from a viviparous or live-bearing species, and after being born alive, have started laying eggs? All the biological evidence says “no”.) But because their act of mating involved a shuffling of reproductive genes that were not expressed in the body of either parent – if they had been expressed there, the parents would themselves have been members of the new species – the fetus inside the egg was not like them. Instead, it was a mutant…a modern chicken!

Only two loose ends remain: the “gradual” and “sudden” extremes of the evolutionary spectrum. These extremes are evolutionary gradualism – Darwin’s original slow-paced timetable for natural selection – and punctuated evolution, as advocated more recently by evolutionary theorists including the controversial Stephen J. Gould.

Gradualism says that mutations are biologically random, but subject to a selection process determined by environmental (external) conditions to which species must adapt over the course of many generations. Taken to the limit, it implies either that each minor mutation that occurs during the evolutionary change of one species into another is random and independent of any other mutation, in which case a useful combination of mutations is highly improbable, or that each individual mutation confers a selective advantage on the mutant…that every evolutionary advantage of a new species over its precursor decomposes into smaller advantages combined in a more or less linear way. Unfortunately, this makes it almost impossible to explain complex biological structures that do not break down into smaller structures useful in their own right…structures like bacterial cilia and flagella, and even the human eye.

The hypothetical gradualistic evolution of one species into another via mutations accumulated over many generations leads to the following question: when does the quality and quantity of mutations justify a distinction between “species”…when does a protochicken become a chicken? It’s a good question, but our chicken-or-egg answers remain valid no matter how we answer it.

At the other extreme, evolution sometimes appears to progress by leaps and bounds, moving directly from the old to the new in “punctuated” fashion. And to complicate matters, this sometimes seems to happen across the board, affecting many species at once. The most oft-cited example of punctuated evolution is the Cambrian Explosion. Whereas sedimentary rocks that formed more than about 600 million years ago are poor in fossils of multicellular organisms, slightly younger rocks contain a profusion of such fossils conforming to many different structural templates. The duration of the so-called “explosion”, a mere geological eyeblink of no more than 10 million years or so, is inconsistent with gradualism; new organs and appendages must have been popping out faster than the environment alone could have selected them from a field of random mutations. Clearly, the sudden appearance of a new appendage would leave little doubt about the evolutionary demarcation of ancestral and descendant species.

But the kind of punctuated evolution that occurs between generations is not the end of the line in sheer biological acceleration. Sometimes, an evolutionary change seems to occur within the lifespan of a single organism! For example, in the spirit of “ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny”, insect metamorphosis almost seems to hint at an evolutionary process in which an ancient grub or caterpillar underwent a sudden transformation to something with wings and an exoskeleton…or alternatively, in which a hard-shelled flying bug suddenly gave birth to an egg containing a soft and wormy larva. While that’s not what really happened – as is so often the case, the truth lies somewhere in the middle – what occurred was just as marvelous and just as punctuated.

What seems to have happened was this. Due to a reproductive mutation, a whole sequence of evolutionary changes originally expressed in the fetal development of an ancestral arthropod, and originally recapitulated within the womb and egg it inhabited, were suddenly exposed to the environment, or at least to the hive, in a case of “ovum interruptus”. A fetal stage of morphogenesis that formerly occurred within womb and egg was interrupted when the egg hatched “prematurely”, making the soft fetus into an equally soft larva and giving it a valuable opportunity to seek crucial nourishment from external sources before being enclosed in a pupa, a second egg-like casing from which it later hatched again in its final exoskeletal form. So metamorphosis turns out to be a case of biological common sense, providing the fetus-cum-larva with an opportunity to acquire the nourishment required for the energy-consuming leap into adulthood.

Does this affect our answer to the chicken-or-egg question? Not really. For even where the life cycle of an organism includes distinct morphological stages, the DNA of egg-laying insects does not change after conception. And since it is reproductive and not somatic DNA modification that distinguishes one species from the next in line, our answers stand firm. (Of course, this says nothing of science fiction movies in which something bizarre and insidious causes runaway mutations in the somatic DNA of hapless humans, causing them to evolve into monsters before our very eyes! Such humans have either undergone a random or radiation-induced “meta-mutation” whereby their genetic code suddenly rearranged itself to incorporate a self-modification routine that is executed somatically, within their own cells, or they are the victims of a space virus which inserted such a routine into their DNA for its own nefarious purposes.)

OK…perhaps there’s yet another loose end. Asking which of two things came first implies that time flows in a straight line from past to future (those are the “loose ends”). But what if time were to flow in either direction, or even to loop around, flowing in what amounts to a circle? No more loose ends. In fact, loops have no ends at all! But in this case, the answer depends on whether we’re on the forward or reverse side of the loop, heading towards the future or the past. Another way to formulate this question: does the cause lead to the effect, or is there a sense in which the effect leads to the cause? Suffice it to say that no matter which way we choose to go, the original answers to the four versions (1, 2a, 2b and 2c) of the chicken-or-egg question are all affected the same way. They are either all unchanged or all reversed, with no additional ambiguity save that pertaining to the direction of time (not a problem for most non-physicists and non-cosmologists).

Now that we’ve tied up every last loose end, what about the most important question of all, namely what to tell a curious child? The answer: take your pick of versions. Some kids will prefer the dinosaur angle of version 1; some kids will prefer the “birds and bees” reproductive biology lesson of version 2b. In my opinion, if we limit ourselves to one version only, the most valuable explanation is probably that of 2b; but due to its relative complexity, a younger child can probably derive greater benefit from a T. Rex-versus-Triceratops embellishment of version 1. To exhaust the golden opportunities for logical and scientific instruction, one should of course answer all four versions. But no matter which way you go, make sure the child knows exactly which version(s) of the question you’re answering. If you leave out the one he or she had in mind, you’ll no doubt be egged on until it gets answered!

The Curse Of Tutankhamun

February 13, 2009

The origin of Tutankhamun is doubtful. There are two theories, one of them is that Tutankhamun could be son of Akhenaten (husband of Nefertiti). The other is that he could be son of Amenhotep III and his own daughter: Sitamun.

 

When Tutankhamun was crowned pharaoh (at ten years old), the cult to Aton was abandoned. During his reign he ordered to repair many temples. Thus, many statues dedicated to God Amun have the face of Tutankhamun. Tutankhamun died at 19 years old. There are many hypothesis about his death but none of them definitive.

In 1922 Howard Carter and Lord Carnavan discovered the tomb of Tutankhamun in the Valley of the Kings. They commanded an expedition that entered the tomb of the pharaoh.

When the last man of that expedition returned to the surface, a big sand storm started, preceded by a hawk (symbol of the royal emblem of the ancient Egypt). The falcon flew to the west, that in the ancient Egyptians beliefs was the direction to the Other World.


Here starts what was called the Curse of Tutankhamun. Many of who had a part in the facts died in strange circumstances. Up to 30 strange deaths were counted as related with Tutankhamun’s tomb.


Five months later from the discovery of the tomb, lord Carnavan was bitten by a insect in the face (in the left cheek). The bite become infected. Weakened by this infection, he suffered from pneumonia. This pneumonia affected both lungs. He had an horrible agony, with physical deformations. He even lost his teeth.
The hour of his death was 1:55. In the moment of his death, there was a big outage in Cairo. In that same instant, his relatives, in Lord Carnavan’s mansion in Hampshire (England) told that his dog howled and died.

When Tutankhamun’s mummy was examined, the doctors saw that, possibly, Tutankhamun had a scar in his face, in the left cheek.


With all this, the belief in the Curse of Tutankhamun was increased. In that times, it was also told that there was an inscription in the tomb that said: “Death will come with fast wings over anyone who dares to desecrate this tomb”. Although this inscription was never found, as it was in a wall that was demolished to enter the tomb.

Some time later, the treasures of Tutankhamun were going to be sent to an exhibition in Paris.
Mohammed Ibraham, director of antiquities, dreamed that the treasures mustn’t go to Paris. But at last, he was convinced by the Egyptian authorities. The day he signed the permission, he was run over by a car and died two days later.


Richard Bethell, who helped Carter to classify the treasure, commited suicide. His father also suicided throwing himself through his bedroom’s window. In that bedroom, was found a vase from Tutankhamun’s tomb.

These are just some of the strange deaths around Tutankhamun’s tomb. There were deaths not only between the expedition team, but also between people related with the tomb and its discovery.


In 1962, doctor Ezze-Din Taha, from the University of Cairo, discovered some pathogenic fungus that were in Tutankhamun’s tomb; this may have been the origin of many deaths. Many of the victims had suffered a weakening in their health, that could have caused them to contract more serious diseases.
This discovery was expounded in a conference. When he went out, he had a road accident, and died. When the autopsy was done, they noticed that he had a heart attack just before the accident.

Does the Curse of Tutankhamun exist? Maybe collective obsession, or a pathogenic element that weakened those involved with Tutankhamun. True or not, who knows?

High Speed Explosions Photography

January 20, 2009

High speed, or “flash” photography is an art, widely used in scientific research, which also has a dedicated following among those wanting to “blow things apart” in the most elegant way possible. It’s not easy to come up with a perfect shot… consider 1200ft/sec average speed of a bullet, plus a synchronizing laser, hi-tec flash setup and a fancy camera-work. The following is “the best of” gallery from a few masters of the genre.

High Speed Explosions Photography

High Speed Explosions Photography

Stefan, a.k.a. Fotofrog has a gorgeous set, where fruits and some vegetables get blown to smithereens, together with some tableware:


(images credit: Stefan – Fotofrog)

Crayons from Spyzter:


(image credit: Khuong)

Shattered glass lamp:


(“Shattered Glass” by Raniel)

Peeled banana (and more from Jasper Nance)


(image credit: Jasper Nance)

Antibacterial soap bar:


(image credit: Jasper Nance)

Unfortunate? doll:


(image credit: Jasper Nance)

Hot tomato:


(image credit: Jasper Nance)

Bullet through a bottle:


(image credit: Johnny Lee)

“Pulsetronics” is UK company specializing in high-speed photography, mostly for science research. They also have a few artistic gems there:

Full Magnum Force:


(image credit: Arya Abidi)

Two spherical shock waves are visible on this “schlieren image” (an interferometric technique used to study the distribution of density gradients within a transparent medium). A serious weapon with considerable force, but nothing a good solid bottle of beer couldn’t do:


Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

January 7, 2009

1. Best Wild Animal Photos of 2008 Announced

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

Man and right whale size each other up in the winner of the 2008 Wildlife Photographer of the Year competition’s underwater category, announced on October 30. “The whales were highly curious of us. Many of these animals had never seen a human before,” Skerry told National Geographic.

2. Giant, Unknown Animals Found off Antarctica

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

Collected from deep Antarctic seas, this 9.8-inch-long (25-centimeter-long) giant sea spider was one of 30,000 animals–many new to science–found during a 35-day census in early 2008 and featured in a National Geographic News gallery on March 28. Other odd discoveries included a balloon-like sea squirt and giant starfish.

3. Best Science Images of 2008 Announced

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

Under intense magnification, a long-fin squid’s suckers–each no wider than a human hair–resemble the leafy star of Little Shop of Horrors. This electron-micrograph image may have only won an honorable mention in the 2008 International Science and Engineering Visualization Challenge, but thanks to enthusiastic bloggers, these suckers were the breakout stars of National Geographic News’s gallery of the contest’s highlights, posted on September 25. Among the other marquee attractions: a bugged-out take on the Mad Hatter’s tea party and a “glass forest.”

4. Eight Natural Wonders Added to UN Heritage List

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

Filed with forests, waterfalls, and fantastically shaped granite peaks and pillars, China’s 56,710-acre (22,950 hectare) Mount Sanqingshan National Park was among the 174 wild sites–eight of them featured in this gallery–added to the UN World Heritage list in July 2008. Chosen by a committee of the UN’s Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO), World Heritage sites are natural and cultural areas recognized for their universal value to humanity. (Photo: CRIOnline)

5. Hurricane Ike Pummels Texas Coast

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

On Sept. 13 a worker inspects damage in front of the JPMorgan Chase Tower in downtown Houston, Texas, after powerful Hurricane Ike slammed into the Gulf Coast, damaging buildings, flooding streets, and knocking out power for millions of people.With winds reaching 110 miles (177 kilometers) an hour, Ike came ashore above Galveston, Texas, as a strong Category 2 storm just after 3 a.m. ET.

6. Chile Volcano Erupts With Ash and Lightning

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

After 9,000 years of silence, Chile’s Chaiten volcano erupted, generating on May 3 what may have been a “dirty thunderstorm.” These little-understood storms may be caused when rock fragments, ash, and ice particles collide to produce static charges–just as ice particles collide to create charges in regular thunderstorms. The eruption, which continued off and on for months, forced the evacuation of thousands of residents and cattle from this corner of Patagonia.

7. Alien-like Squid Seen at Deep Drilling Site

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

A mile and a half (two and a half kilometers) underwater, this alien-like, long-armed, and–strangest of all–“elbowed” Magnapinna squid is seen in a still from a video clip obtained by National Geographic News from and published on Nov. 24.

8. Colossal Squid Revealed in First In-Depth Look

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

The carcass of a colossal squid floats in a tank at the Museum of New Zealand on April 30, giving scientists their first close look at the elusive deep-sea creature. The squid was frozen for months after being caught by fishers off Antarctica in 2007. A dissection of the thawed beast yielded astonishing discoveries, including the animal kingdom’s largest eyes and light-emitting organs that may serve as cloaking devices, scientists said.

9. Best Microscopic Images of 2008 Announced

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

Glowing-hot carbon nanotubes form an expanding orange ball in this winning image from the 2008 Small World photomicrography competition, sponsored by Nikon and featured in an October 15 National Geographic News gallery. In nine other masterworks of magnification, a beetle danced on a pin, and drugs yielded crystal rainbows.

10. Hurricane Ike: Galveston Braces for Storm

National Geographic's Top 10 Most Viewed Photos of 2008

Sylvia Renteria recoils as a wave churned by Hurricane Ike meets a seawall in Galveston, Texas, on Sept. 12. Before landfall, the National Weather Service’s chilling warnings of “certain death” spurred officials and residents of the coastal town to gird for the worst–and stoked fears of a replay of the devastating 1900 Galveston hurricane that killed 6,000.

Spammers – Best wishes for 2009!

December 23, 2008

via: Spammers – Best wishes for 2009!

While many bloggers and mainstream tech pundits are pulling together their legitimate “Best of 2008” column or “Trends for 2009” predictions, I thought I’d take a different approach this holiday season. I’d like to send best holiday wishes to those tireless workers (and their army of 24/7 zombie computers) who craft the spam that fills up our in-boxes.

1) My first wish goes out to a group of people who all seem to know me but I’ve nonetheless never met. Apparently, we’re somehow related as I’ve been mentioned as a potential inheritor to many of their estates. I hope all the relatives of those people who died in Nigeria, Sierra Leone and other places where the dearly departed left over $1 billion this year alone in special bank accounts are able to find a way to get those monies released without me. You know, your heart has really got to go out to these people who need so many of us to give them our bank info just so they can get some of that cash for themselves. Good luck to all of you!

2) I’d also like to wish a great 2009 to all of those Asian pharmacies who seem to think I need a lot of Viagra. I don’t need the stuff but thanks for asking. Maybe next year, you folks could afford a spell checker so that you can spell all those brand names, like Cialis, the way the manufacturers intended them to be spelt.

3) I’d also like to thank all those folks who emailed me about their lists of doctors and dentists. I hope that next year I can figure out why you think these are valuable. I have a Yellow Pages book at the office that lists hundreds of MDs right here where I live.

4) I’ve also got to thank those spammers who are writing on behalf of the FBI and its Director, Mr. Mueller. Nothing says you’re a ballsy spammer than by spoofing the very agency that investigates these things. Here’s hoping 2009 brings you more oversight from the real FBI.

5) Let’s all send a big wet-one to those dauntless spammers that asked us to confirm our bank accounts. How did we exist all those centuries without electronically verifying the accounts we didn’t even have at banks we don’t even do business with? Thank goodness spammers were on the job here!

6) I’d also like to single out all those spammers who thought I had bought something huge on EBay and forgot to pay for it. Thank goodness they emailed me right away so that I could get my money order or PayPal payment to those needy sellers in Romania.

7) Santa also wanted to get a shout out to those spammers who pitched us all those multi-level marketing opportunities this year. If our house didn’t already have so much junk in it, we might have bit on those offers. Maybe next year fellows…

8) Just today, a lady emailed multiple times telling me that she is selling goods in Europe to people in Asia. Apparently, she needs my help to cash all those checks and money orders that she’s getting. Unfortunately, I don’t use a bank and my mattress can’t process foreign currencies. If only they made an EFT enabled Posturepedic?

9) To all those spammers who think I need breast (or other body parts) enlarged, be advised that the doctor wants me to lose weight these days not put more on. Thanks for asking though.

10) (And last but seriously) Kudos to the folks at Knujon for doing a great job of reducing spam for all of us!

7 Historical Figures Who Were Absurdly Hard To Kill

December 11, 2008
article image


#7.

Edward Teach a.k.a. Blackbeard

Why He Had to Go

Blackbeard or Edward Teach was a famous English pirate and a massive asshole by all accounts. He had between fourteen and sixteen wives, most of them about a biscuit older than Dakota Fanning. One wife in particular would be routinely forced to run a train with the crew while Blackbeard watched and “buffed his peg leg” so to speak. He burnt hemp beneath his … um, black beard, to make it look like he was breathing fire, which worked to intimidate his enemies but likely alienated his crew since such a stunt would make an 18th century pirate smell like a snowman made of dogshit.

He’d also occasionally murder his first mate, just to keep everyone on their toes.


“I can’t even remember why I was mad at you.”

How He Went Down

Blackbeard eventually retired to North Carolina to spend his senior years rolling around in gold coins. But the Governor of Virginia put out a hit on Blackbeard, sending two ships after him, commanded by Robert Maynard.

Rather than running from the two enormous ships sent to kill him, Blackbeard boarded Maynard’s ship. Well, first he bombed the deck with an assload of primitive grenades like Jim Brown in The Dirty Dozen. That’s when things got all sorts of stabby. Blackbeard nearly severed the fingers on one of Maynard’s hands with his sword, and Maynard broke his fucking sword stabbing Blackbeard back.

At the end of the fight, Blackbeard had been stabbed twenty times and suffered at least five gunshot wounds, before bleeding to death while trying to reload his pistol to keep the party going. Maynard then cut Blackbeard’s head off and hung it from the bow of his sloop, partly for effect but mostly because he needed the head to collect his reward. He was paid 100 pounds for his trouble, the modern equivalent of about $18,000 or a 2006 Buick Rainier.


Go ahead. You’ve earned it.

#6.
Pablo Escobar

Why He Had to Go

Escobar was the head of the Medellin Drug Cartel, a Colombian drug empire that moved 80 percent of the world’s cocaine (the remaining 20 percent was trafficking its way through Dennis Hopper). In 1989, Forbes magazine famously named Pablo Escobar the seventh richest man in the world with an estimated worth of $25 billion. He was immediately rocketed to prominence in the world of rap lyrics and airbrushed t-shirts.


Not pictured: historical context.

Escobar was personally responsible for over 4,000 deaths, which is roughly 100 times more people than you will ever meet. He ordered the assassination of a Colombian presidential candidate who supported an extradition treaty with the United States. Then he blew up a commercial airliner to kill a man that wound up not even being on the plane, and leveled several city blocks in the bombing of a government building in Bogota.

He routinely murdered judges and politicians, and had a standing public bounty on police officers. He ordered two to three car bombings a day, enough that we’re surprised people didn’t just start walking to work.

How He Went Down

A special task force consisting of U.S. Delta Force operators, SEAL Team 6 and the Colombian police was formed with the explicit purpose of taking Pablo down. They were known as the Search Bloc, and they were in no way fucking around.


We are in no way fucking around.

They joined a posse of vigilantes known as Los Pepes, made up of the friends and family of the people that Pablo had murdered. They tracked Escobar to a barrio and a bullet festival ensued.

The shootout led to the rooftops of Medellin, with Escobar jumping from building to building, absorbing gunshot wounds to the legs and torso. Finally fed up with the hail of gunfire, he shot himself in the head to avoid capture.

However, the authorities claim that the fatal shot was from one of the several thousand they fired at him, a story which is supported by the painting below depicting Escobar as a King Kong-sized Jack Black being attacked by rubber space capsules.

There was also a book written about Escobar called Killing Pablo. Chances are if the title of a book about you refers to how you were kicked off the planet, you probably stepped on a few too many toes.


The only thing missing from this picture is Richard Dreyfuss measuring his bite radius.

#5.
Ned Kelly

Why He Had to Go

Ned Kelly was an infamous Australian outlaw in the late 19th century, responsible for two major bank robberies and the murder of three policemen. He’s an icon in Australian history, alongside such heroes as Paul Hogan and the dude who brews Fosters.

It should be noted he shot the three policemen while trying to escape an attempted murder charge. So it was like punching your wife in the face to get her to stop lying about being punched in the face.

How He Went Down

Ned Kelly and his gang took over seventy hostages at the Glenrowan Inn after learning a train full of policemen were on their way to arrest them. Despite an attempt to derail the train, the police managed to corner Kelly and his men in the inn. The outlaws, taking the next logical step, donned homemade suits of motherfucking battle armor.

Kelly marched straight outside and started firing at the police while the rest of his gang remained behind. Bullets pinged off Kelly’s armor, but his legs and groin were comparatively unprotected (a huge oversight, in our opinion).


Body armor as designed by Cracked Staff.

Kelly took enough shots below the belt that he eventually went down. But while the rest of his gang was killed during the shootout, Kelly survived and was arrested. Two weeks later they put him on trial and ordered his execution.

When the judge handed down the death sentence, Kelly responded, “I will see you there when I go.” The judge died a few weeks later, proving that on top of everything else, Kelly was a dark wizard.

#4.
Leon Trotsky

Why He Had to Go

In 1917, Trotsky was Lenin’s right hand man when the Bolsheviks came to power in Russia. He created and commanded the Red Army and was a member of the Politburo, which oversaw all other branches of Soviet government and made all policy decisions. He also wore glasses and had a wicked goatee, so you know he read books and shit.


Quiet, I’m reading this shit.

After Lenin died, Trotsky was expelled from the Communist party and kicked out of Russia. In return, Trotsky attempted to enter the United States to testify before Congress that Stalin was a major douchebag. Upon hearing this, Stalin decided his next move would be to expel Trotsky from life.

How He Went Down

Trotsky was denied entry into the U.S. and eventually found his way to a home in Mexico City. It was there that he was attacked by Ramon Mercader, an assassin working for Stalin.

While Trotsky was home reading some shit, Mercader buried an ice axe into the back of his skull.

This just pissed Trotsky off.

He stood up from his desk, axe in head, and spit on Mercader. Then he went after the assassin, wrestling with him. Trotsky’s bodyguards heard the commotion (where the fuck were they a few minutes ago?) and came running in to subdue the assassin and get Trotsky to the hospital.


“I gotta say, you seem- Oh. Okay, I see the problem.”

Trotsky made it to the hospital and underwent surgery before finally dying a day later from complications related to being brained with a goddamn ice axe. We’re hoping he lived long enough to fire those bodyguards.

#3.
Gabriel Garcia Moreno

Why He Had to Go

Moreno served as president of Ecuador in the mid-19th century. He was a devout Catholic and founded country’s Conservative Party. He also looked like F. Murray Abraham.


One Moreno. Two Morenos. Whhaaaaaa?

Moreno established a law that made Catholicism the official religion of Ecuador, and required that anyone who ran or voted for office be Catholic. While this is awesome for Catholics, it’s kind of a drag for everyone else. And so, the “everyone else” constituentcy of Ecuador decided that it was time to punch Moreno’s ticket, F. Murray Abraham be damned.

How He Went Down

As he left the cathedral in Quito, Moreno was brutally attacked by a group of assassins. Armed with machetes, the group sliced through the president’s neck, skull and brain, and severed his left arm and right hand.

He stayed on his feet. The man was the Black Knight from Monty Python.

Undeterred, his attackers shot him six times in the chest. He was slashed a total of fourteen times before he finally fell to the ground. Even then he was alive enough to write “God does not die” on the ground… in his own fucking blood.

After the assassins fled, the cathedral priests took Moreno back inside the church, where he lived for fifteen more minutes. When his body was examined after death, physicians observed he had balls of wrought iron [citation needed].


Moreno’s left testicle, artist’s conception.

#2.
Ferdinand Magellan

Why He Had to Go

Magellan was a Portuguese explorer who was the first person in history to circumnavigate the globe, and was the first European to reach the Philippine Islands. Incredibly, he also discovered the Strait of Magellan. Who saw that coming?

Magellan agreed to kill a man named Lapu-Lapu, an enemy of two different Philippine kings that he was friendly with. It was originally his plan to convert Lapu-Lapu to Christianity, but in lieu of conversion, the sweet, sweet embrace of death would have to do.


“Can’t say I didn’t try.”

How He Went Down

Magellan and his crew landed on Lapu’s home island of Mactan. However, Lapu apparently knew they were coming, because he had an army waiting.

Magellan was hit with a poison dart almost immediately, but he trucked onward into the mass of native warriors, possibly shouting the Portuguese equivalent of “MOTHERFUCKERS!” as he did so.

He was stabbed in the face with a bamboo spear, to which he responded by burying his lance in the attacker. Magellan tried to draw his sword to keep fighting, but his arm was slashed and soon his leg as well, and he fell to the ground more or less mortally wounded.


Actual photograph of Magellan.

The natives then surrounded him and began stabbing and clubbing him as he lay defenseless. He kept looking up to see if his crew had made it safely back to their boats and, upon seeing that they finally had, Magellan allowed himself to die. We like to think that with his last breath, he screamed and chucked a spear that left a single cut in Lapu’s cheek.

#1.
Grigori Rasputin

Why He Had to Go

Grigori Rasputin, the patron saint of dying hard, was a mystic that lived with Tsar Nicholas II in the early 20th century. The tsar and his wife Alexandra believed that Rasputin had the power to heal their hemophiliac son Alexei, so they kept Rasputin around the house as sort of a turn of the century Kato Kaelin. Rasputin’s influence was so heavy that anyone seeking an audience with the royal family had to consult with Rasputin first.

Rasputin, by all historical accounts, was overtly full of shit. He was a drunk and a lecher, and routinely accepted bribes from people seeking his guidance. Rasputin’s dubious lifestyle arguably added to the diminishing support of the Royal family, which ultimately led to revolution (see Trotsky, above). And he was gutted by a prostitute in public in 1914, which we imagine must do wonders for your image.

How He Went Down

After Rasputin recovered from the by-all-accounts gnarly stab wound delivered by the prostitute, a group of Russian nobles decided to finish the job by poisoning him to death with tainted wine and cake. History cannot agree whether any of the poison ever entered Rasputin’s system (the poison in the cakes probably evaporated during baking), but this did little to diminish the conspirators’ surprise when Rasputin didn’t die.

So, Rasputin continued to hang out, eating cake, until one of the nobles finally grew impatient and shot Rasputin in the back. Content that he was dead, the murderers left the palace. One member of the party forgot his coat though, and when he returned to collect it, Rasputin sprang up from the floor like Skeet Ulrich in Scream and started strangling him.

The others arrived in time to shoot Rasputin three more times in the back, dropping him to the floor. But was he dead? Fuck no. He was still struggling to stand, so the conspirators clubbed the everloving shit out of him.

They wrapped Rasputin’s body in a sheet and dumped him in the freezing Neva River. When they found Rasputin’s body later, riddled with poison, gunshot holes and club wounds, they determined he had died… of hypothermia.

It was evident the bastard had managed to partially claw his way out of his wrappings, and if he had done it a few minutes faster, he probably would have wound up on the assassins’ doorstep, dripping wet and pissed off.

We’re guessing the conspirators slept with the lights on every night for the rest of their lives.